So Much Has Happened

It’s been months since I have written.

My courage to love and love again has erupted like a sorrowful volcano; just wanting attention-connection.

I was shut down for almost two years with the entity possession.

Mary Lee LaBay was/is right about values and virtues. Follow them and the unwanted energies will no longer see you as thiers.

 I am my own playground.

 My thoughts, My actions, aspirations, dreams, lessons, strengths and opportunities are mine!

I am mine!

I have decided to have my close confidante, Rhonda Aubol write my story.

I’m hoping it will enhance lives someday- even one life- it will have been worth it to fight and to live.

With peace and blessings,

RL Phelps

Congruence and Comfort

 

I have been thinking about congruence and strength. The people I know who are strong are also congruent and well respected.  I talked to my guide, Taysha about living the most congruent life I can. Her words follow:

“Eliminating need or reasons to lie are rays of light from an aligned soul. Alignment with the soul’s purposes offers fortitude and deliverance giving a focused and determined path motivation to serve the most righteous of goals. All of which represent reference points to one’s possibilities. Clarity is given- not sought. Possibilities are realistic, not that of unattainable dreams. Truth and purpose must be linked or confusion and falsities become abundant. ”

We all lie. We’re born learning that the differences between truth and falsities are something we experience as a way to find truth. A child lying about a missing toy is not committing sin punishable by the fires of hell. Duality is our opportunity to find congruence and individual truths. Often, we say we’re caring for others by withholding our truth or protecting them from it. When, in fact, we’re denying not only our own opportunities for strength, but we’re concealing our comfort and our truths because we hold ourselves responsible for the perceptions of others. I’m feeling that old feeling of heavy weight on my shoulders just writing about it.

After much contemplation and some adjustments about how I share my truth, I found myself lying so much less. Not that I’m anymore of a liar than   anyone else, but I don’t excuse my feelings, actions, perceptions, and beliefs ‘for’ someone else’s comfort.

I frequently preface my truth when talking to people who are sensitive, however. For example, I have a friend who treats her son like he’s an oblivious imbecile when he can’t read her mind. (Why doesn’t she do it everyone?)So when she asked if I wanted to come over to visit I declined stating that I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings or piss her off, but I don’t want to be around someone who strikes out at child when she’s frustrated because she can.

I used to say,” No thanks’” – and leave it at that, but it was important for me to tell her how her actions have far reaching consequences.

My friend did choose to internalize my words for a while, but after a few weeks she actually thanked me for bringing to her attention the cruelty she had inflicted on to her child.

Truth and living in cooperation with your own comfort and path is a less heavy and stressful life. I’m finding myself worrying less and sleeping more. I speak my truth with compassion and respect for myself and others, and it’s giving me back my life the way it was intended to be- harmonious and peaceful.

 

I gemini

I’m finding solace in creativity. If I choose to let my mind write and imagine and manifest,I can be my own hero. I am my own hero!

 To: Me 

I fly, I soar, glide

in the stream

of your wings.

When you falter

lose sight

altitude

I lead with gratitude.

Your cry

disturbs the sun.

In turn

the rains weigh heavy

on your feathers-

Guiding you to rest,

to nest,

contemplate

your changing fate.

Dry and die in the warming sun

as I fly, I soar, glide

in the stream

of your wings.

 

From , me

To Weaken Evil

I recently found to do this only takes submitting to the ‘in love’ state of existence. I’m not writing about finding that certain perfect someone who sweeps the rug out from under your feet and makes you feel like you never have before- blah, blah…

I’m talking about a love for everything in your path. I’m talking about a love and appreciation ; an acceptance, a hope, fascination, and focus for all of the proverbial little things. Lying down on a forest floor after a rain shower and listening to the drops of water hit and roll off the leaves. The smell of damp earth, a child’s cry, actually having gratitude for traffic-it can provide time to think. Stresses that remind you you’re valued and worth seeking out. Falling in love with dirty dog paws on a white shirt, a snotty clerk showing us all how not to be. Having compassion for history when you see a broken nose on an ancient  sculpture. Laughing at yourself for addressing a past due bill to yourself. Turning away from breaking news to pull weeds.  It’s what gives us feeling that also gives us the ability to become more loving, more joyous, more our authentic selves. The brilliance of innocence and beauty weaken fear.

The evil voices and deeds can’t penetrate this state. I’m having too much fun and receiving too much joy here. I think of all I don’t have and it empowers their fear. I express gratitude for all I am and all   have been blessed with, (fears and scars included) and I am the empowered one.

As Taysha said months ago, “Have a crush on life.”

Thank you. I heard you. I’m infatuated with my path.

 

 

Thank you-

Taking a break for now.

If you feel like commenting, please do.

I’ll write back.

 

Not often do we see an image of what we hope to be and recognize it for the gift it is. I have recently crawled my way out of a shell created by fear and self doubt to peek at my surroundings and life’s many gifts. I woke up sad last night wondering what I offer to others beside guidance and challenge to follow their path. I faced the mirror and soon found myself entranced by connection to everything and everyone I could think of. The faces of those who have influenced me lately joined in one reflection and blended in my eyes. My blurry vision intensified with layers of thoughts, feelings, and aspirations, and then poured tears of self knowledge. I am change. I am chaos. I am understanding. I am growth, opportunity, love. My vicarious experiences cry for true fulfillment. I am a mom, a friend, a teacher, a student, a child, a giver, an achiever, a soul, a morphed being of trust, curiosity, doubt, confidence, a champion, a creative spirit, a lover, a face in the crowd.

For so long I yearned for examples to emulate. That’s part of sharing life, we share, grow, learn from one another. We let each other down, lift each other up .I search and find those who are determined, dedicated, strong, and relentless with following and adapting to the twists and turns life delivers to assure us growth and enlightenment on our paths.

 Thank you Taysha for the mirror.

Thank you Nathan, for helping me to understand that clouds give us greater appreciation of sunshine. Storms give us reason to remember clouds. Disaster brings us to value the real joys and sunshine blesses us with the light we forget we have. To know your perspectives come from knowledge of limited time motivates me to love with all I have for no good reason at all.

Thank you A& M for letting your love lights blind me so I could then truly see that I can love that way too. If only I let myself.

Thank you C& M for showing how exciting stability can be. You rock each other and those who can see it feel the motion of true connection.

Thanks M for showing me the person I wanted to be is still the person I find most intriguing.

Thank you A for showing me how not to be- therefore turning me to the path of greatest comfort.

Thank you T for the no BS with all of your perspectives. Truth only hurts when you want to believe lies.

Thanks MG for making time out of thin air to be a living example of true friendship.Your stories of determination and willingness to stick this one out made my recovery easier.

Thanks N and S for encouraging me to believe in the genius of the mind and the wealth of knowledge available within.

Thanks ML for connecting the dots.

And now, I’d like to thank the Academy for…..

 

Be well,

Peace and comfort,-R

Fantasy and want

2/20/08

Below Dark one is sharing its opinion on my want and need of a healthy relationship with

someone who can accept my bare naked truths.

- Someone who I can enhance and who will be enhanced by me.

This is basically one of the things he does to try to undermine my goals and growth in this

 lifetime.He speaks with philisophical sounding confusion that I am sometimes intregued

enough to contemplate.It has been a tough up hill climb to look back and see that I am

worthy of knowing and that I do not have to hide in an assigned place of darkness to

 protect myself from others who may choose to mis-understand me. There are some

who can see through my reluctance and my pain and who want to know me- just as I am.

Dark one:

Want is a chaotic collision between fantasy and reality.

Want intertwines, blends, mixes beauty and fear and curiosity to bring a manifested place to

park your faith and wait on hope while the deceit corrects its course of action- And there you

 sit wondering why

 you   have or don’t have your want. The majesty in want is to see compromise done.

Honor imperfection; have what you want. Behold the glory of fear as it ravishes in need, want,

 and the grace of delivering correction to the masses as they struggle to want again for nothing

but more -again.

2/21/08

Taysha responded to Dark one quite abruptly- Actually, within a few minutes.

 

Taysha’a last line is in reference to allowing want to control freedom, harmony and ultimate bliss. When we allow wants to control us

we are not free.

  

Taysha :

 Collisions in fantasy and reality are not of this plane.It is so that fantasy can become reality, however, to manifest fear is not a want . It is a fear all its own.

 

Fantasy is want. Some say fantasy is also reality. If this were true, would you not be privy to some distinguishing tools for the sake of clarity- not to mention sanity? It is a hope or hopes opposite- fear to attempt the intermingling of the two and name it manifestation? Is it rational to also claim dark intentions intend no darkness?

Does this make sense?

Want gives motive to grow, change, evolve and decide what your next paths will be. To have what one wants, to manifest something into ones reality is often an asset to the path of awareness. Or, the opposite can also be reality- it can be poison. To wish, hope for, want in alignment with one’s life missions sets the delivery for gifts of goodness.Want sets a stage for what contributions can be made. Dark or bright are cherished in the sense that optimism is the favored path to enlightenment. Want is healthy when it does not dictate happiness or deprive others of earned rewards.

A guest cannot be enslaved by a host without permission.

Insight to agreement

I have learned that we don’t host an entity for a long period of time without karma or an agreement of some kind involved. Most entities will vanish when guided away,told to or shown that the host will not comply with their wishes.

The dark one in me is complacent at best when told to leave.

Mary Lee Labay introduced the possibility of a ‘contract’ with this entity during one of the sessions where he argued with her over where he belongs. He implied he owns me and I owe him.

The journal entry’s below helped me to understand a little more about how this alleged contract could be true.

It all seems so crazy, even now after living it for a few years…

The last few lines from Taysha helped me to understand that seeking common ground would be vital in the process of building allliance to learn his motives and to help guide both he and I to some level of cooperation.

 

 3/16/07

I asked Taysha or somebody,- anybody for guidance in a free write. So these are the words that followed:

If dreams collide outside of time

can the hopes be realized? Do promises hold truth when made by the innocent?

To believe a lie from a smile makes you worthy

 of understanding and forgiveness.

 With choice create.

 

 What she is talking about was the contract I made with this dark entity, we were both little boys. I saw this in kind of a dream state, and also kind of awake. I have seen it many times since then. There is a two class society, on another planet actually. It was okay for us to associate but not to be really close friends. It was okay to play, it seemed like we actually flew. Flew low, we could walk but why? It was kind of fun.  There were the people who were entitled and those people who worked for the entitled. They had a mark on their forehead and he was one of those. I somehow made a contract with him when the planet was dying. All the people who were of the upper class just knew they were going to go somewhere else but the workers were concerned that they would have no place. I told him he could come with me. He could ride with me. I would show him life. I just didn’t want to leave him. We were buddies. We weren’t supposed to be that close but we were.

This seems to be the entity that is now haunting me and  he seems to think that this life should be lived in his way. That is what Taysha was talking about.

3/17/2007

Hope is where you fly. Fate is where you land. (I woke up with this thought)

I woke up hearing a conversation, it sounded like it was part of a conversation and I kind of drop in on those when I am traveling at night.

It was Taysha;

 “Is the significance of one more important than another? Impact changes with needs.”

A few questions …

                          ...for those who think they know -without thinking.

 2/14/08

Is a victim to blame for falling prey to the calculated fear and dark intentions of those who misuse the power of trust?

                   Are the unscrupulous ones admired for their planned and plotted maneuvers?

                   When the innocent or ill prepared suffer abuse due to their vulnerability, is the abuser

                   excused for doing as he will?                                      

                   Does it minimize or eliminate the human response to compassion when the one in need of understanding can be blamed   instead?                                           

                   Is it a responsibility to elicit additional information prior to harshly abandoning or condemning another to darkness they do not align  with?

Is it a requirement in the elevation of consciousness to connect to another’s challenges and offer insight and  escort toward awareness?

 As a bullet follows aim ,and change delivers error;

-So does chaos with a moving target.

  Taysha

 

2/17/08

Conversation with Taysha over my decision to surround myself with people who care to understand me; instead of those who think I deliberately choose to invite in entities,(as my former teacher implied).

This conversation was needed as my evolution made it clear to me that I need to expand my parameters and allow myself many teachers and many chances be a teacher as well.

 A path of wanted wisdom remembers the fear of past experience yet embraces the hope of harmony and deliverance.

Walking the same circle overtime reveals previously unseen details, focus, clarity, and confidence.

Repetition offers fortitude and stamina to the spirit. Vacillation is then eliminated.

Audacity becomes dominant with in character.

To denounce earned strength can conceal fear of equality or worthiness. Who though, is worthy of this opinion if your self love speaks with adherence to gratitude and light?

To misunderstand is often a choice.To fall prey to one who makes this choice is also a choice.

Taysha

Light v. Dark

I have an awful addiction to anger. I use it as a source of energy. Like cocaine, I guess. I have never used illicit drugs, but everything I have read about them parallels my ‘need’ to have this adrenaline rush. I know deep within me that this is the greatest culprit to hosting the darkness. There were times in my life where it was dormant. Those were times when I was in love, or frightened about something. Isn’t it something that those opposing states can limit darkness- or the affects of it?

     Below is a conversation where Taysha is helping me understand the weaknesses of  darkness and fear as opposed to the constant strength of goodness and light. 

9/4/07

T: Light can be counted as individual energies. Darkness cannot as it bonds to like vibration for strength. Counting the energies is much the same as counting the bonds of water that quench your thirst. Nonsense

R: So they,Dark, aren’t individual?

T: Not as independent energies once they bond. Darkness requires undisturbed cohesion to manifest desired end. Does goodness have an end?

Dark, lack of hope, must have focus with parameters. Do you see?

R: I think so. Without this focus it can be interrupted and diffused?

T: Easier, yes. Focus, blind sight as it is…Feeds only linear purpose…Hope nourishes everything it can. Hope springs…Fear ends when the job is done. It finds more to control, then the mean manipulations to validate its cause or power… to keep it from acknowledging alternatives. Fear strengthens -as you lived for a moment- it can consume focus, then feed off what hope is dreamt. The prophecies of pain and disappointment become trusted as accurate predictions and the cycle of serve, reward, hurt, gift, serve,…becomes the reality of the ones blinded in light, frozen by the warmth they can no longer feel.  You woke, you chose to. You must continue…

R: Is more to come?

T: Your rewards await.

       This was an insightful and amazing meditation where Taysha was right with me, guiding, gifting, and encouraging me.  

9/10/07

I was thinking of how far I’ve come and the lessons I have embraced this far.

WOW!

I saw myself swimming with sharks, some evil, some uninterested, some curious. I heard myself, “Be aware of what you swim with and how.”

 Next   I was walking above the water; my feet were in it, I was watching it happen. I had somehow lifted some of my spirit to this elevated vantage point. I said, “Manifest safety and growth.”

I was then walking along side the body of water, safe and aware of what lurks below. I was a grateful observer and still manifesting change and continued safety.

I heard Taysha, “Fly above to see what your thoughts can deliver and view what could have been.”

‘Yes’, I sighed in comfort. Rest on a mountain peak and breathe in the beauty. Know it could have been spoiled by poor choices disguised as empowerment.

     

      Dark one had been taunting about me saying, “We shall be 30.” I re-named him as part of my need to control something/anything in my life. He speaks in confusing language. He began doing that after he felt the attention and respect going to Taysha for giving me something to contemplate while awake. I think he is trying to appeal to me with semi- intelligent foresight- of course it is his perspective only. He switches to bully mode when not given the acknowledgement he wants. 

9/13/07

Dark  30:   “ It is not 30 I am. To reflect what is -88 is my fate. Images are deflected when light blinds the path of ascent.  Focus is transformed to blurred illumination of nothingness.

Disappointments of trained imagination. Do you feel yourselves here?

 You lead in flexible adaptability.

 Devote promised passion and sorrow to the ego’s faith, (fate). Convict your visions to the subconscious inventions of mercy and charity. For those who suffer as prisoner or profit serve only the lies of the divine imagination.”

I was shocked that he took time to say this as I wrote. He seems to want this message to be heard by more than just me.

Dark 30: “Pragmatic idealism has cast this archaic place into a spin with no right to recover. To replicate and dictate to the brainless is my fate, my hate, my way to envelope and regurgitate in the face of you, those who create me.

            Pragmatic: exclusion of free thought and artistic matter.            Idealism: reality lies in reason and only what is perceptible is real. 

R: I had something to do with your choices?

D30:   YOU chose this moron, how easily you forget.

R: ( headache, eyes tearing)  I will NOT be responsible for your will.  Honor does not steal from karma.

D30: Honor does not back pedal while claiming to move in a ‘forward direction’.

R: Where did the intellect go that was just coming from you?

D30: As the brainless wish, deflect.

R : What does 88 mean to you?

D30 : 8 is the number you have claimed as a favorite. Why haven’t you justified?

R: 8 is a number of transformations. You are speaking of two 8’s? Or 8 times 11?

D30; Leader, Wealth, Power, transformation, All encompassing.  And, Master.

R: You believe you are a master- Of what?

D30 : YOU are the only hindrance.

 

R: I don’t think so. If that is true, then leave.

  

      I brought this on. Below is an example of what I mean when I say, I allowed this through my choices to become like them. Thoughts are interpreted as deeds in the astral. Even if it is true that he came in to this life with me, I took part in waking his power.  

9/16/07

I was so up for a week or so. Last night I got tired quickly and found an old habit come flooding back to me -drowning me in a wave of fury. I was looking for energy and without thought I found myself after a minute or so fantasizing about tormenting anyone who called control justice. I thought of how cops, politicians, parents, employers…. and some religious fanatics write their own doctrines of fairness and freedom. I found myself mentally killing them. Some in groups, some as individuals. I snapped out of it, slowly. Realizing what I had done, I talked to my guides. I felt the power of hate strengthening my body- or killing it. Not much difference considering the choice I gave myself- that being none. I am accountable for this. I asked for calm. I heard, “bring it yourself.”

Dark 30 rose up, I had little choice. An argument ensued. “NO I won’t continue for you. This   is my decision, MY Life!”

D30: You make me feel! (Sounded like an order)

R: No! I make me feel and act. I am not a host or vehicle…”

D30: Inept sloth. (Yelling) Vitality for (something I couldn’t get) will not be reliant on your negligence. You better measure…”

I started yelling back. I hate it when someone, or thing in this instance says ‘you better’.

That pissed me right off! I have choices!!!

I yelled with compassion. I yelled that it must be horrible to have been so miscalculating as to choose a noncompliant ‘ride’. “ It must be awful to be Stuck with me. What it must be like to have to change and bear witness to good and light and love. Oh , opportunity or curse? Tell me sometime when I choose to listen.”

My body is a gift for my soul. I will treat it as such.

I feel sick.

I failed me again.

My arm hurts a little- burns.

How does he do it?

Never mind.

I am the one in charge.

I did it.

I allowed it.

I started it.

I will win!

 

Torment is the price I pay for compromise and reversion. I am working for consistent growth.  My contradiction, my faltering will show when I look in the mirror. I guess I ought to consider this lucky. I have real scars to remember when I have chosen against the tides of peace and harmony. To go with the flow of love does not mean that I need to continue to experience the violence and uncertainty of a fearful under current. The ebb and flow of growth doesn’t invite sharks to swim just so the rhythm of motion stays the focus. By noticing the shark I now see what happens to my harmony.

Karma, what is becoming of our light?

Knowing Dark one was attached prior to or very early in this lifetime, I began contemplating karma- or justice. Did I owe him? I thought not! He made this choice and he chooses to harm. What about forgiving karma? Would he leave? Many more questions invited responses from Taysha.

The conversations below are not complete, but I want to share some of her thought provoking insights to those of you who are willing to consider the next person who has your karma to contend with.Feel free to reply, I welcome any comments.

Peace,-R

  

5/16/07

I was thinking at work…What if all karma from the beginning of this time was wiped clean? Those in debt would be forgiven. Those with credit wouldn’t collect- what an honor that could be though-to take a part in healing. What if it could all begin again in harmony? What would it look like, feel like? Would we be the same? What if positive changes occurred – inherent knowledge of love, all equal, value for the host (planet), no reason to control, so no religion. Value for diversity could reign. Welcome for the new thoughts-guides, release of gravity, use of both sides of the brain. Could love ultimately conquer all on this, the earth plane- if we could /would cherish the gifts as they were given?

5/23/07

R: I sometimes think the world has an auto immune disease like lupus. We’re seeing everything vital as a threat, and then attacking it.

T: Are you a factor?

R: Yes- at times

T: Time is limited. This disease process does not allow strength for both sides. A teeter-totter cannot exist when a battle is fought for the sake of control.

R: Balance can’t be won?

T: Not so, choose. Shine light into dark- maybe sting your own eyes.

   5/28/2007

Taysha:

Forgiving karma would be robbery to the origin. What would be a reason to continue evolution of soul if lessons and gratitude of service were to vanish? Karma is not simply debt surplus. Karma is not it excuse or reason to cause discontent.Those who abuse it create a shadow in their own light. 

5/29/2007

A.M.

T: To erase or forgive is honorable, yet projected knowledge leaves lessons not learned… Balance to be manipulated to achieve peace in a new beginning. ?( learn from my purpose filled walk- not vicariously)

 With complete forgiveness arrives equality not earned in the debt/collection ratio or spectrum. Where is repentance, discipline, respect, accountability,balance,clear conscious… Can you see this picture?

R: kind of. What I’m talking about is complete forgiveness of karma. There would be no memory of what might be due or owed. A new playing field, not just an even one.

  6/1/07

T: Within karma prosperity is abundant. The prosperity for the soul is the balance… shifting weight karma… To maintain balance in the changing and growing experience a deficit/surplus system is the measure of growth and reflection of those lessons. For example, one who sets karma of despair in the direction of innocence is entitled by virtue of the choice gone dark to live the light he may not see. No… not all is considered just. The balance may not equal the weight for lives to come. But it will. It is the law in all planes. Some have yet to experience this. See what is occurring in your land. The balance is to the dark too often. What is becoming of your light?